I have gone into relationships with doubts. I think, to a point, you always have doubts. Especially once you have been hurt before. Doubts can rear up and save you before you take a bad fall. In these two ways, doubt is a very powerful and helpful thing.

A Case Study

I was once engagement ring shopping with my friend. The ring was for his girlfriend, not me. Since he decided the whole thing to be a complete surprise, he was going to get the ring himself without her knowing or without any of her input. 

Friend: The ring is a gift from me. She doesn't get to pick it out, watch me pay for it and wear it out of the store or something. That's the most insulting and stupid thing. I am asking her a question, I want to ask with a token that I picked out. I have to take the risk, I have to ask the question. She doesn't get it all. She doesn't get to look at magazines and leave me hints. It's my job to know her and pick out something she likes. We aren't going to the store, she picks it out and then I pretend to hid it in my sock drawer and tell her she has to wait for me to ask. That's a load of not very nice fertilizer. 

There was a lot more profanity in the rant. I'm just saying, I cleaned it up. Anyhow, his point was clear - he was going to do this on his own, without even a hint in her direction and he was going to take me along with him because he had not idea what he was doing. 

I was quite surprised when he settled on a ring and we had this exchange:

Friend: Do you think she'll like it?
Manda: I'm not going to marry her. Do you think she'll like it?
Friend: Yeah. It's her style.
Manda: This is it. Your financially and emotionally linked commitment to one girl for the rest of your life.
Friend: I think I'm going to hurl. [Puts forehead on glass, takes deep breath].
Manda: Having doubts?
Friend: When you put it like that, I do.

The Focus

Poor guy, in one moment he was so completely focused on the possibility that she would say no or that they wouldn't stay married he instantly thought he was not ready.

We create a lot of our own doubt in relationships because we think we shouldn't have any. So many couples say, "I just knew!" and market their relationship as a fabulous fairy tale without a hint of doubt that they might be making a mistake. And if they end up finding the did make a mistake, they will confess later they really didn't think it would work out but they were to naive/swept-up/forced into the relationship. 

The Power

Doubt is real and powerful. Doubt is the little thing that tells you, "This is not certain." It tells you that what you have right now is not forever.

Doubt should never be the focus of your emotions. You can't go through life doubting everything good is going to go away. Doubt tells you the focus should be preserving, protecting and cherishing what you have now so it has a chance to continue to be yours and grow.

True

Let me list a couple things in life that are not certain:

• Winning the lottery.
• Getting that promotion.
• Being left 10 billion dollars by a distant relative.
• Popcorn.
• Animals.
• Happiness. 
• Family. 
• Love.
• Tomorrow.

Have doubt about everything in your life. Embrace the doubt and ask it where it is coming from. Tomorrow isn't certain, there is always some doubt there, so make your actions in your relationships count today. Use the fact that nothing is forever to work to preserve what you have. Never take love for granted.

Image Credit
Forever image from streetfiles.org.