As I have frequently stated, I’m not much into sleeping around. This doesn’t mean I’m not prepared. I like to analyze stuff and things and this does extend to the wonderful (or horrible) world of boinkin.' I mean, better to be ready if the situation comes up than fumbling or ending up in a bad situation.

There are a couple things I want to avoid when having sex that are directly in my control:

• Sexual Transmitted Diseases (STDs).
• Sexual Transmitted Infections (STIs).
• Pregnancy (babies).

Sorry, things like how good it’s going to be are not really in my control. It does take two to tango. I'm spending more time talking about how to prevent yourself from more than just a lousy couple of minutes or seconds, here.

Who Are You?
You could outright ask any potential sexual partner if they have any sexual issues you should know about. By saying “sexual issues” you can learn a lot, by the way. Try it.

“Hello, do you have any sexual issues?"

I try to ask the object of my animalistic, sexual desire (and perhaps ultimate let-down) the last time he was tested for anything. I did read this article that about 50% of guys out there carry the Human Papillomavirus (HPV) virus and don’t even know it. That means, the next time you are standing in line at Starbucks, if there are two dudes standing in line with you, one of them probably has HPV.

Eee. Let's protect our junk, people.

Also, I have been tested. I mean, part of it was because I have been tested for everything. I’m clean. I have the paperwork. Might be worth your while the next time you see your doctor to say, “Hey, can you run an STD/STI panel?” Think about it, if you have something, you can probably get treatment. Also, you won’t be spreading stuff to someone you potential love or potential love to smush.

If you happen to have something, it's also pretty steller to be upfront about it. I have never dated someone who has had anything, so, don't have any real advice for this. 'Cept to be upfront as soon as possible.

I should mention, I don’t ask about testing and all this because I think that some guy is trying to maliciously pass me something. I’m asking because a lot of people don’t think about it. Sometimes, it just doesn’t cross your mind, especially if it has been a while since you have boinked someone.

This is also a bit of a test. Think about it, if you can’t be honest about your equipment, what can you be honest about? If you want to boink me, you should be able to talk about your equipment, usage of this equipment and where this equipment has been.

Sexual Transmitted Things
We all hear the Public Service Announcements (PSAs) about how you can’t tell if someone has an STD or STI. This is true. To be honest, I had an STI – Lyme Disease. Bet you didn’t know you could get Lyme by having sex with someone.

Another common STI is a yeast infection. Also a stellar experience for boys and girls. I bring this up to just point out when you have sex with someone, there is a lot of stuff you can catch and it’s not always your herpes or AIDS or Chlamydia.

Anyhow, to avoid these situations you should always have condoms. For guys, this should be easy, I say. However, I think it is very important for us women to carry our own protection. It’s not the responsibility of the guy to supply protection. In fact, logically, it should really be everyone’s concern who is having sex. Just, grab a box of condoms or something and keep them around should you want to get down and dirty with the object of your affection. Nothing sucks more than waking up the next morning and thinking, “Sure, that was great, but. ..”

You can also get variety packs. Something for everyone! But, just make sure you check the expiration date. Just saying. Sometimes, it's been a while.

Pregnancy
I really, really don’t want to get pregnant. I might never want to get pregnant, actually. This is why I have no problem purchasing my own contraceptives or demanding they be used.

However nice or good a guy is, I still completely believe the whole pregnancy thing is a woman’s issue and concern. Why? Because it’s a woman’s body and a woman’s heath and it’s a dimension of our gender that guys are never really going to get. As much as they want to be there and be part of their lady’s pregnancy, two words: mucus cap.

So, I try really hard not to get pregnant. Women have options like birth control to prevent that baby thing. I, as an odd-ball, have never been on birth control because of being sick for so long and the fact that a lot of the medications I was on, no one knew what would happen if you threw some birth control in with them. But, whatever.

I have been telling my friends who are boinkin’ that it doesn’t hurt to purchase the Plan B pill to keep around for emergencies. Plan B is a drug that disrupts the normal womanly cycle and tells the body to fast-forward to, “nope, not baby-making time.” It strongly prevents fertilization by making it harder for the sperm to reach the egg or prevents the egg from popping out of the ovaries, depending on where you are in your cycle when you take it. If you are pregnant, however, it won’t end a pregnancy.

Plan B will run you about $50 but you can pick it up without a prescription (as an adult) at almost any pharmacy. For the saving-savvy, you can get a coupon on the Plan B website, I believe. It’s not bad to have around for emergencies because the sooner you take it, the better it is going to work in your favor.

Having Plan B around before you need it as a backup is not a bad idea. It's smart. Just like it's smart to have other contraceptives, like condoms, around. We all know even when being responsible and proactive, things can happen. It’s better to be prepared for this than panicking and calling me at like 2am asking me questions that sounds a lot like, “So, if I _____ and then he _____ and then we _____, but we didn’t _____ then can I be pregnant?”

I’m Embarrassed
A lot of people I know (boys and girls) are embarrassed when it comes to buying contraceptives. I normally say it’s less embarrassing to buy a pack of condoms than it is to get a Valtrex prescription refilled.

(Unless you have shingles – Valtrex is also prescribed for shingles which is a non-sexually transmitted disease caused by a viral infection from the herpes-zoster virus which is the same virus that causes chicken pox.)

I like to making buying condoms a game. A game, you say? Of course! My goal is to creep out the sales clerk who is ringing me up (unless you go to one of those self-check out lines). Whenever you buy condoms, if you can pair it up with other weird things, you can get a reaction. . sometimes. Either way, it distracts you from being embarrassed.

For example:

• Windshield washer fluid, bungee cord, coverup and condoms.
• Duct tape, carrots, potting soil and condoms.
• Break fluid, WD-40, nylon rope, ice scraper and condoms.
• Dog collar, 1lb ground beef, whipped cream and condoms.
• Razors, hand sanitizer, rock salt and condoms.
• Cat toys, Seventeen Magazine, strawberries and condoms.
• Lube, birthday cards, plastic forks and condoms.

Conclusions
Ultimately, we are adults here. We are adults who want to boink safely. We are adults who use the term “boink” to mean “have sexual intercourse.”

This is truly one of those times you have to “man-up” and do it. It’s your health and your life you got to protect. No one else is going to do it for you. A little common sense, a little thinking ahead and a little asking yourself, “What is the worse case scenario and how can I prevent it?” can go a long way.