Online dating conjures up a lot of different thoughts in people. Some, I will try to address. Others I am probably going to ignore. Or forget. Anyhow, the question, "Is this safe?" comes up all the time. It is a legitimate concern because you really can't ever be 100% sure about who you are meeting.
I wouldn't say I am hyper-scared about what might happen with this online dating thing, but, I do take precautions for the first couple of communications and the first couple of dates. I think there is a “need to know” bases for some information and I will let it out when I feel comfortable.
The Site
Dating sites are, well, public. Anyone can really join and say whatever. However, you can limit a bit of the danger by making sure you go to a trusted site that caters to the type of person you are and the type of person you want to meet. For example, don't go on AdultFriendFinder if you are serious about committing to someone forever.
With a little searching, you can probably find an online dating community that suits your age, orientation, religion, region or profession or. .whatever. I don't know if you know anything about the Internet, but, it's big and there is a lot of stuff out there.
Email
I wouldn't say I am hyper-scared about what might happen with this online dating thing, but, I do take precautions for the first couple of communications and the first couple of dates. I think there is a “need to know” bases for some information and I will let it out when I feel comfortable.
The Site
Dating sites are, well, public. Anyone can really join and say whatever. However, you can limit a bit of the danger by making sure you go to a trusted site that caters to the type of person you are and the type of person you want to meet. For example, don't go on AdultFriendFinder if you are serious about committing to someone forever.
With a little searching, you can probably find an online dating community that suits your age, orientation, religion, region or profession or. .whatever. I don't know if you know anything about the Internet, but, it's big and there is a lot of stuff out there.
I have a standard gmail account, like most of the world. It contains my first name, middle initial and last time. I don't give this out. I have an alternative email address that pops into my main gmail account that I give to guys who want to email – and, honestly, who I want to email with.
When I am comfortable, as always, I will say, “Hey, here is my real main address.”
I am sometime surprised when guys give me their email address with their full name. Of course I am going to plug that into Google and Facebook. I'm totally going to stalk you out and find your house via satellite and where you work.
Once, I Googled this guy and this paper came up about how the “charges against him” were dropped. Hmm. That's interesting.
Secret lesson: Google yourself so you know what's out there.
Instant Messenger (IM)
When I am comfortable, as always, I will say, “Hey, here is my real main address.”
I am sometime surprised when guys give me their email address with their full name. Of course I am going to plug that into Google and Facebook. I'm totally going to stalk you out and find your house via satellite and where you work.
Once, I Googled this guy and this paper came up about how the “charges against him” were dropped. Hmm. That's interesting.
Secret lesson: Google yourself so you know what's out there.
Instant Messenger (IM)
I have two AIM screen-names and one Yahoo name. I have one AIM screen-name dedicated to online dating. Not that I am on AIM that much, but, it means that I have some control over what happens when I log in. My friends have my one IM name, so, when I want to talk to them, I log in and they are there. When I feel like talking to potential dates, I log into the other name.
Keeping my dating life separate from my “real life” gives me time to decompression before leaping into it. While my guy will eventually have to deal with me snapping at him and being crazy, if I can avoid setting myself up for a bad situation before they know me, I will do it.
Besides, some guys always end up thinking I am blowing them off if I don't respond to an IM right away. What they don't know is I just set fire to my pot holder, one of my rats get loose and my Mom just called.
Location
Keeping my dating life separate from my “real life” gives me time to decompression before leaping into it. While my guy will eventually have to deal with me snapping at him and being crazy, if I can avoid setting myself up for a bad situation before they know me, I will do it.
Besides, some guys always end up thinking I am blowing them off if I don't respond to an IM right away. What they don't know is I just set fire to my pot holder, one of my rats get loose and my Mom just called.
Location
I am upfront with my city location. I think this is important because distance is an issue with me. I don't want to be dating someone in Ohio when I live in Pennsylvania. However, I never tell anyone where I live exactly. This includes mentioning close landmarks. I don't even say, "Hey, yeah, I live in an apartment. I live right across from the only war memorial ever created to the War of the Worlds."
A guy has to go out on a couple dates before I tell them that. There is just no reason for a guy to know my address. Even if I am pretty sure the guy is a nice guy, I normally set a limit of four or five dates before I let the guy know where I am, even if I do feel comfortable.
In fact, once I met a guy for a date less than a block from my apartment. It was a nice summer day, but, I drove because there was no reason for him to know that you could see my apartment from where we were meeting. What if I felt really uncomfortable and needed to get out? Better safe than sorry.
I actually brought this up to him later when we were dating and at first he was taken back that I had such “evasive actions” planned. Then he said he respected it and was glad I did because you never know – he ended up thinking it was pretty damn smart of me.
As a side note on the location thing, I'm slightly put off when a guy lists his location as one city and it really in another city. That's lying. .and we remember the two rules of online dating, right?
Phone Number
A guy has to go out on a couple dates before I tell them that. There is just no reason for a guy to know my address. Even if I am pretty sure the guy is a nice guy, I normally set a limit of four or five dates before I let the guy know where I am, even if I do feel comfortable.
In fact, once I met a guy for a date less than a block from my apartment. It was a nice summer day, but, I drove because there was no reason for him to know that you could see my apartment from where we were meeting. What if I felt really uncomfortable and needed to get out? Better safe than sorry.
I actually brought this up to him later when we were dating and at first he was taken back that I had such “evasive actions” planned. Then he said he respected it and was glad I did because you never know – he ended up thinking it was pretty damn smart of me.
As a side note on the location thing, I'm slightly put off when a guy lists his location as one city and it really in another city. That's lying. .and we remember the two rules of online dating, right?
Phone Number
The mythical phone number. I make them work for it. I don't just give out my number to anyone, I give out my number to guys who have a potential for a face-to-face meeting.
Some guys get uppity about this and respond with:
Some guys get uppity about this and respond with:
- Why don't you want to talk to me?
- I'm not good at typing.
- You can call me anonymously.
- Why are you on a dating site if you don't want to talk?
- Why are you scared of me?
Truth is, if I am not comfortable, I'm not going to do it. If you want to offer me “solutions” I will just think you are a jerk for not respecting the fact that I want to know more about any guy I am talking to before giving out my number.
I'm not a number-floozie, when I give out my number, I mean it. Conceptually, this also means you got to work harder to get me in every aspect of this dating game.
I also HATE talking on the phone. I feel weird. Plus, my elbow hurts after a bit and my face hangs up the phone a lot. Just, all in all. . .I don't like it. However, no joke, for the right guy, I will chat away.
Background Checks
I'm not a number-floozie, when I give out my number, I mean it. Conceptually, this also means you got to work harder to get me in every aspect of this dating game.
I also HATE talking on the phone. I feel weird. Plus, my elbow hurts after a bit and my face hangs up the phone a lot. Just, all in all. . .I don't like it. However, no joke, for the right guy, I will chat away.
Background Checks
Some of my friends ask me about background checks. You can find sites that offer background checks that aren't that expensive to get some basic information. You can even search public records in your area for mortgage documents and things like that.
There was actually some legislative movement in Illinois that would require online dating services (in Illinois) to preform background checks. Eh. Could be good, could be bad. But, it's not nationwide.
Anyhow, I think if you feel so uncomfortable about what is going on with someone (even if it is just a gut feeling) I say ditch the dude. If you believe a background check will prevent you from being emotionally hurt, that's probably not going to happen.
I have never done a background check online. My check includes checking out Google, Facebook and any other places like that, so I can't speak about them. The only guy I went on a date with who had a criminal background was very upfront about it. If you happen to have a "shady" background, I suggest being upfront about it. It's not always a deal breaker for everyone.
There was actually some legislative movement in Illinois that would require online dating services (in Illinois) to preform background checks. Eh. Could be good, could be bad. But, it's not nationwide.
Anyhow, I think if you feel so uncomfortable about what is going on with someone (even if it is just a gut feeling) I say ditch the dude. If you believe a background check will prevent you from being emotionally hurt, that's probably not going to happen.
I have never done a background check online. My check includes checking out Google, Facebook and any other places like that, so I can't speak about them. The only guy I went on a date with who had a criminal background was very upfront about it. If you happen to have a "shady" background, I suggest being upfront about it. It's not always a deal breaker for everyone.
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